Archive for the ‘Grief’ Category
The World Is Too Much
John 20:26 NRSV
“Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them…”
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The world is too much.
Not only in its weight, though it is heavy.
In its insistence. Its density. Its claim to be all that there is.
What can be seen, measured, named—this is what we learn to trust.
This is what presses in on us.
This is what fills the room.
And so we live inside it.
Easter does not remove us from the world.
It does something more unsettling.
It asks whether what we have taken to be the whole of reality
is, in fact, only what we can perceive.
He stood among them.
The doors were locked.
Nothing had changed that could be pointed to.
The room remained what it was.
And still, he was there.
Not outside the world.
Not beyond it.
Within it—without being contained by it.
They did not recognize him immediately.
Not because he was absent.
Because what they were looking at
was still being interpreted by a world that had not yet made room
for what had happened.
I know that condition.
It is not that presence is nowhere to be found.
It is that the world, as I have learned to perceive it,
leaves little space for anything that does not behave
as presence used to behave.
I do not fail to perceive because nothing is there.
I fail because too much else is.
Too much that insists on finality.
Too much that closes the case.
Too much that declares what can and cannot remain.
And yet—
I cannot say that absence is complete.
Something resists that conclusion.
Not consistently. Not in a way I can prove.
But enough that I cannot live as though what is gone
is all that is real.
To live inside resurrection is not to see clearly.
It is to discover that what I see
is no longer the measure of what is.
The world is too much.
And still, it is not all there is.
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Prayer
God, loosen the hold of what I can see, so that I may not miss what is already present.
Unless I Touch
John 20:27 NRSV
“Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.”
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Thomas is not there the first time.
He misses the moment the others describe—the presence, the voice, the showing of hands. By the time he hears it, it has already become testimony. Something reported. Something he is expected to accept.
He does not.
Unless I see… unless I touch…
It sounds like doubt.
It is something else.
Thomas refuses to say more than he can sustain as true. He will not borrow certainty from someone else’s experience. If this is real, it must be real in a way he can trust.
I understand that instinct.
I cannot insist that I feel her presence. It does not come when I ask for it. It does not remain when I try to hold it. Most mornings, I weep if I do not distract myself. That is what I can say with certainty.
And still, I cannot say she is gone.
Absence does not behave cleanly. It does not remain contained. Something in my experience resists that conclusion. Not enough to prove. Not enough to name. Enough that I cannot call it absence.
So I do not say that I know.
I say that I hold.
Thomas stands in a different place.
He will not hold what he has not encountered. He will not say that something is real until it meets him in a way he can trust.
And Jesus does not refuse him.
He does not correct him. He does not shame him for asking. He offers what Thomas requires.
Reach out your hand.
Touch.
The wounds remain.
Not erased. Not explained. Still present in the body that stands before him.
And Thomas answers.
My Lord and my God.
We often hear what comes next as a correction.
Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.
But it may not be a rebuke.
It may be a description.
There are those who encounter and those who are asked to live without that kind of certainty. Those who are given something they can touch, and those who must remain inside something they cannot hold.
I find myself there.
Not seeing.
Not touching.
Not able to insist.
And yet, unable to say that nothing remains.
To live inside resurrection is not to feel presence consistently, or to prove it.
It is to discover that absence is no longer a sufficient explanation.
Thomas needed to touch in order to trust.
I am learning to trust what I cannot touch—and to admit how difficult that is.
God meets him in what he needs.
God meets me in what I cannot hold.
I do not yet know how both can be true.
But I will not reduce either one.
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Prayer
God, meet me in what I can touch and in what I cannot, and give me the courage to remain without resolving either.
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Do Not Hold On
John 20:17 NRSV
“Jesus said to her, ‘Do not hold on to me…”
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She does not recognize him at first.
Not because he is hidden. Because grief has arranged the world in a way that leaves no room for anything else. She is looking for a body. Something that can be found, carried, returned.
She is still speaking when he interrupts her.
“Mary.”
Not an explanation. Not an argument.
Her name.
And in that moment, everything shifts.
Recognition does not come through sight. It comes through being addressed. Through hearing what only one voice can say in that way.
She turns toward him.
Not gradually. Not cautiously. All at once.
“Rabbouni.”
She reaches for him.
Of course she does.
Not to test what she sees. Not to prove it. To hold it. To keep it from being taken again. To close her hands around what has already been lost once.
And that is where he stops her.
Do not hold on to me.
Not a rejection. Not a withdrawal. A boundary.
What is now present cannot be held the way it once was.
Resurrection does not return things to their previous form. It is not resuscitation. It does not restore what was lost so that it can be kept again. It changes what it means for something to be real.
She is not being asked to let go because he is leaving.
She is being asked to let go because he is no longer confined to what she can grasp.
The garden is quiet.
No crowd. No explanation. No resolution offered.
Only presence.
She does not understand it.
She cannot hold it.
And still, she has encountered it.
We are often taught to look for clarity. For something that settles the moment, explains what has happened, secures what has been given.
But this moment refuses that.
She is recognized.
She responds.
She reaches.
And she is interrupted.
Not so that the moment can end—
but so that it can become something she cannot possess.
Silence would have left her alone.
Quiet allowed her to hear her name.
And what she heard was not something she could keep.
Only something she could receive.
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Prayer
God, teach me to receive what is real, even when I cannot hold it.
The Body Handed Over
Mark 15:24 NRSV: “Then they crucified him.”
There is no metaphor left.
The body that was named on Thursday is now handled.
Struck.
Spat upon.
Measured.
Nailed.
The crowd is smaller now. The noise less triumphant. The sky darker than expected.
Good Friday resists explanation. We have written volumes trying to make sense of it — sacrifice, atonement, substitution, victory. Some of those words are necessary. None of them remove the wood.
Then they crucified him.
The body does not symbolize suffering. It endures it.
I have watched a body endure more than it should. I have seen strength leave it slowly. I have felt how helpless love can be when flesh fails.
There is a particular violence in watching and not being able to stop what is happening.
At the cross, even the faithful stand at a distance.
The temptation on Good Friday is to hurry toward Sunday. To speak of what will come. To soften the finality of the sentence.
But Lent forbids that.
The body hangs.
Breath shortens.
The words grow fewer.
It is finished.
And for a moment, it looks like death has the last word.
Prayer
God, stay with me when the cross is more real than hope.
What the Day Allows
Matthew 6:34 NRSV “Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
By then, days were no longer measured by intention.
They were measured by allowance.
What could be done without consequence. What would cost too much. What needed to wait. The body made these decisions before the mind could argue with them.
Getting out of bed was not assumed. Standing required a pause. Walking came with calculation. Even conversation had limits—how long, how much, when to stop.
This was not weakness revealing itself.
It was information.
The day did not ask for ambition. It asked for accuracy. To notice what was possible and stay within it. To stop before depletion. To rest without apology.
Jesus’ words are often misheard as reassurance. They are closer to instruction. Each day has enough—not more than can be borne, not less than is real. The work is not to overcome the day, but to live truthfully inside it.
There was no sense of improvement yet. No upward curve. Only the slow learning of how to inhabit a smaller life without contempt.
What the day allowed had to be enough.
Prayer God, help me attend to what this day allows, and not demand more.
On a whim... 